Conspiricies

Brian and I are paranoid people. He says it’s because the human mind is wired to see patterns, even when there aren’t any. I think it’s because we don’t like people, and so are inclined to assume the worst of them. And that he’s read “1984” too many times.

But we’ve both developed our own pet conspiracy theories lately.

I think that Kroger’s purposefully makes the break room so cold because they want to encourage us not to take any breaks, or to spend our break time on the grocery store floor, so that customers can still ask us questions during our breaks.

Brian thinks that because Michigan is the home to so much of the auto industry, the state has a vested interest in making sure that residents are forced to purchase new cars regularly. This explains why Michigan does not plow snow, but instead just dumps copious amounts of salt on the roads after every snow fall. And why the roads are in such poor conditions, including the purposefully created potholes (not kidding) on the highways that go on for miles. These potholes resemble the divots created on the side of highways that are designed to keep drivers from accidentally drifting off the road and into a ditch. But instead these indents occur every five feet for stretches of miles along the main highway to Detroit.

He also thinks that’s why Michigan is a no-fault accident state---if your car hits another car in Michigan, no matter whose fault it was, you both have to pay for the repairs on your own cars. Thus, people don’t care whether or not they cause accidents and don’t do much to avoid them. The crazy driving that results leads to more people wrecking cars and more people having to buy new ones.

Most people would call us paranoid. But you’re not paranoid if they really are out to get you.